hello!
I was just recently looking through my blogs, and I realized that most of them are consisting of the things that I am physically doing in each country. Like ministry and adventure days and the people I meet. But I haven’t written a lot about how I have been feeling through all of those times. and I want to apologize for that! I haven’t been as vulnerable as I would have liked to be in all of those posts.
so in this blog, I will just share some of my feelings… about everything. these are just some of my recent thoughts, so buckle up! very random!
the race is ending in 10 days. 10 DAYS PEOPLE! that’s hard to wrap my mind around. I found out on the race that I am a pre-griever, so I have probably cried multiple times a week, if not more, for the past month and a half just thinking about how I have to leave all of the people that have become my family over the past 9 months. im not doing too hot but also thriving! very weird place to be. I have been through a lot of ups and downs on the race. many things that I have struggled with, I didn’t think were even something that could make me struggle before coming on the race.
yesterday, I went live on facebook with one of my squad mates and one of the questions that a viewer had asked was “what is something that you’ve learned from this experience?” I tried to think quickly about each country and the hard things that I had experienced in each one. But then I thought to myself, “well how in the world was I able to get through those?” And so my answer to the question was that probably the most valuable thing that I had learned during this whole 9 months was that I learned how to talk to my Heavenly Father.
During Cambodia, there was A LOT of spiritual warfare. And if you don’t know what that is (like I didn’t 8 months ago), spiritual warfare is just when the enemy has a stronghold on the spiritual realm in a certain place. so in Cambodia, there were buddhist temples around every corner. and the devil has just been attacking the people and luring them in to this false way of living and idolizing Buddha for so many years. and when we landed in that country, we were a threat to his stronghold, so he just started attacking.
Something that I think is really cool is that the enemy only attacks when he feels threatened. So our squad was a strong force that he felt like he needed to attack! But what I had learned was that by having the Holy Spirit active and alive inside me, I always win the battle. Every single time. And the Lord fights our battles.
Ethiopia, oh sweet Ethiopia. This was a special place. This was were I learned how to talk to the Lord.
And if you’re reading this and asking yourself, “how in the world do you learn how to talk to the Lord? and how do I even start to do that?” Heres how::
In Ethiopia, all we had was time and space. We lived on a compound that had TONS of open wheat fields that I could just spend hours in. There was really nothing else to do. So what better time than to sit and listen.
During training camp, there was a teaching on listening to the Lord. And someone described it like this:: Listening to the Lord is like getting a phone call from a stranger. And you decline a few times because you don’t know who it is. But then you finally pick up. And it’s a little hard to hear them speak. It’s a little unclear, bad connection. But they keep calling, and you keep answering. And then when they call, you can recognize their voice. And you can discern what they’re saying more. And then you get into a rhythm and every time they call, you know exactly who it is and what they’re saying.
And that’s exactly what happened to me in Ethiopia. I sat down in a field one day. And I looked into the heavens and I just talked. I had picked up the phone call finally.
And the Lord said to me, “Eliza, stop looking up there. I am right here in front of you! look into my eyes. Hold my hand. I’m here.”
The Lord talks to me through my own thoughts. And the way I know with all of my heart that its Him talking and not me is I check it! If what comes into my head lines up with his word and with his character, then I know its him! So I did that the first few times I talked to him and then listened. But as I continue walking with Him by my side every day, I can discern so much faster. Without thought even.
sitting and talking with Jesus in ethiopia was a sweet sweet time. it was so fun and he told me stuff about myself and about my family and about things that he wanted me to talk to him about. and a lot of the times, he just wanted to sit with me. we didn’t talk about anything but I just sat in the presence of my creator. my friend.
in Nicaragua, the enemy knew that I could hear the Lord more and more each day. so he started to attack. he attacked me through doubt. I doubted that the Lord was good. I struggled with such unbelief! here’s a little snippet from a journal entry I wrote while I was there::
“Jesus. How do I believe that you’re good? That you want to heal? That you want the best for me? I want to believe its true but I don’t. Please remind me of a time where I know you’re good. Because I think I sing the songs that say you’re good only bc I was told by someone else that you’re good. PLEASE JUST SHOW ME! I AM CRYING OUT TO YOU LORD OF THE HEAVENS I DON’T BELIEVE YOU’RE GOOD BUT I WANT TO SO BAD! PLEASE! show me in a way so obvious its undeniably you Jesus! Why am I always confused if you don’t want me to be? How do I let go of disbelief?”
I was in a hole and felt like I couldn’t get out. But I just knew in the bottom of my heart that if I fought all of the unbelief in me, and just clung so tightly to the truth, that i would be okay. I didn’t want to fight. I was so tired of fighting. But the Lord reminded me of an image that he gave me in Ethiopia. And it was me trying to hold into this rope really tightly and I was struggling to hold onto it. And he was sitting right next to me and and looked my in the eyes and said, “let me.” and I loosened my grip and I let him do all of the heavy lifting and he could do it with no struggle.
so I held fast to a truth a knew was unchanging, no matter my disbelief. and I worshipped him so hard when all I wanted to do was fall. And it took everything in me to let go of the lie that the enemy let me believe and fall on my face and worship the Lord who I know with my whole heart is so so good.
and now as I approach the last few days of an experience that completely changed my life and the way I live it FOREVER, I just want to say thank you to Jesus! Thank you for chasing after me. Thank you for changing my life RADICALLY! I will never stop worshiping you Lord! I will never stop.
Hey thanks for reading my jumbled up thoughts! I appreciate it!
reach out to me if you have ANY questions at all! I would love to chat.
Blessings,
Eliza
